Since You're Ruining My Childhood, How About You Go Ahead And Make Anne Shirley A Zombie While You're At It?

Since You're Ruining My Childhood, How About You Go Ahead And Make Anne Shirley A Zombie While You're At It?

I'm so cranky right now at some of y'all.

You know who you are.

You will argue that you are intrigued, bored, or worst of all, fans. But I know what you really are. You are traitors and worthy of waterboarding.

Today, you will eat your turkey and potatoes, sit on your couch with your coffee and your pie, and you will turn on your TV to PBS and then watch Anne of Green Gables.

What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Y'all?

Let me back up and provide some context. (Although, if you were a true fan, you wouldn't need any, because you'd already be raging about the cinematic crime gleefully being perpetrated against the Prince Edward Island-loving public). In 1985, public television released Anne of Green Gables, which was widely heralded as one of the best TV movies every made. To criticize the original Anne of Green Gables movie would be akin to saying that Casablanca was okay. So of course some ass pimple thought they should remake this classic, which leaves me wondering why we don't, while we're at it, just go ahead and reboot oxygen and cats and raindrops on roses and every other thing that we hold sacred because of its empirical perfection?

No. For real. WHY? Why would you take an absolutely PERFECT movie and remake it? I have zero answers. I only know that they're doing it. I only know that they're pimping it like it's the second coming of Christ (another reboot I'm not eagerly anticipating.) I only know that they cast people who are NOT my Anne, Matthew, Marilla, Diana, or Gil.

THIS is my Anne:

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And my Anne is the only Anne who can break chalkboards over boys' heads.

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And my Anne is the only Anne who can pretend to be the Lady of Shalott.

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And my Anne is the only Anne who wears puffy sleeves like puffy sleeves are meant to be worn.
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This other girl, while admittedly adorable, is NOT my Anne. Not by a long shot. Not even close. Not even if I were intoxicated and squinting.

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And THIS is my Matthew:

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My Matthew sure as shit ain't Martin Bleeping Sheen, and my Matthew sure as shit doesn't look like this when he goes to pick up a little orphan from the train station:

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I'm legit offended. Please do not misunderstand me. I love me some Martin Sheen. I do. I have watched every episode there is of The West Wing about 327 bazillion times, and one of my favorite movies is his highly underrated film, "The Way." But he's not Matthew Cuthbert, and HE KNOWS IT!

During an interview about the new Anne film, he said, "(The original actor who played Matthew) was more the character than I am. He was very, very good. He had the character far better in hand than I did. I made him more of an extrovert, more outgoing, more chatty. His interpretation was far more faithful to the book than mine. He was far better than I was as far as his authenticity to the real guy."

Do you know what five words never, ever, ever belong in a sentence together? Matthew, Cuthbert, extrovert, outgoing, and chatty.

If you're just gonna be making up shit about such a beloved character, why not go ahead and have him be a crime-fighting vigilante who wears a bat costume? Seriously, making Matthew be Batman would be no less of leap than making him "chatty." And while he's being chatty, have him say, in his gravely Batman voice, things like: "The joker got into the raspberry cordial." At least then my husband might watch it.

At this rate, they might as well just go ahead and name the movie, "Ann Without An 'E.'" This is how ridiculous this whole charade is.

And don't even get me started on their version of Gilbert Blythe. Just don't. Can this new kid handle this scene?

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Answer: No.

And can this new kid give a girl a once over that will send smithereens of girls swooning for decades to come?

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Answer: Nope.

This whole venture is nonsense. Absolute nonsense. And I refuse to watch it. I refuse to give in to the remake tyrants who want to destroy Anne for generations to come.

If these soulless corporate folk are so intent on ruining Thanksgiving, why don't they go harass some Native Americans who are just minding their own business and living on their own land? Thank God that at least isn't happening anywhere (cough-StandingRock-cough.)

Seriously.

What sort of crappy world do we live in now?

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True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What are you NOT thankful for this Thanksgiving? Oh, don't give me that look. We all know that this Anne of Green Gables thing is ridonk. I refuse to be kindred spirits with this new movie. Refuse. Also, I understand that this post was sort of completely shitty for those of y'all who aren't obsessed with a 30-year-old PBS flick, but tough titty. It really is that important. Also, fine. Whatever. I'll try to be positive. I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.

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