Toilet Paper Taught My Niece That Penises Are Super Gross, And I've Never Appreciated Charmin More...

Toilet Paper Taught My Niece That Penises Are Super Gross, And I've Never Appreciated Charmin More...

I go through toilet paper like wiping is my job.

Seriously, you can never use enough. Never, ever. Unless it clogs your toilet. In which case, it's still not excessive, because your husband will totally come do that whole plunger-thingy for you.

Apparently four of my 11 niblings agree. Well, except for the plunger part. My husband isn't going to cram their crap down the can.

Anyway, my sister, Audrey, called the other day to tell me that her kiddos used 12 rolls of off-brand Charmin in 10 days. Or they used 10 rolls in 12 days. I don't really remember. Regardless, it was a shit ton of toilet paper (pun obviously intended).

Now, Audrey is a single parent who recently lost her temporary job and suffers from a severe disability that she incurred when she was ran over by a forklift. So, money isn't growing on any of her trees. Especially because she lives in government-subsidized housing, and y'all know the government ain't in the business of giving poor people any damn trees.

But back to the story. She gathered all her kids for a "family talk" that went something like this:

Audrey: You guys cannot be using this much toilet paper. It's ridiculous.

Kids: Whatever, Mom.

Audrey: If you guys don't start cutting back on your toilet paper usage, then I'm going to start rationing that stuff. Like, I'll stand at the bathroom door, and you'll have to ask me for toilet paper, and I'll give you exactly one square.

My 15-year-old nephew rightly argued that it was all sorts of poppycock to allow a teenage boy only a 4-by-4-inch square of cheap bathroom tissue to take care of his business. And then he tacked on the (somewhat rationale) rejoinder: "Besides, Mom, it's you and Emma who use all the toilet paper, because you're girls."

My 13-year-old niece, Emma, failed to see the logic in this.

"Why would we girls use more toilet paper?" she questioned.

Her brother's response: "Because you wipe every time you pee."

Now this is when it gets interesting.

"Wait," Emma said. "Boys don't wipe when they pee?"

The answer: No.

Her response: Epic.

Apparently Emma, who has been all sorts of obsessed with learning every sex thing ever (much to the discomfort of her Auntie B, who had to tell her what "pussy" meant, and then had to actually tell her when I tried to say it just was another word for kittens), had never even considered that boys are exactly gross as they are, and she understandably freaked the fuck out.

"So, boys don't wipe when they pee, and then they want to stick it inside you, even though there's pee on it?"

Good question, Emma. Good question, indeed.

Now, if you wouldn't mind, please remember that when your prom date tries to coerce you into coitus. That penis is just drenched in piss. No matter what that boy tells you, his Mr. Winky is coated with urine (and all other sorts of other stuff that I won't explain to you).

Basically, Emma, if you only learn one thing from your Auntie B, I hope it's that the only acceptable reaction to your stud's schmeckel is this:


You're welcome.


True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. When did you realize that tally whackers are the most gross thing ever? If this doesn't prove to you that male privilege exists, what will? What tactics have you employed to get your kids to stop using toilet paper? Better question: Why WOULD you get your kids to use less? Isn't it better for them to be MORE clean? After all, they're teenagers. They're gross. Another pass at that isn't going to hurt. Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.