I have a few different versions of myself on Facebook.
Thanks to the site's option to customize who sees what, I get to be different things to different people.
There's the me I present to my mother and mother-in-law. To them, I'm a religious Republican who only has sex for the purpose of procreation. Then there's the me that acquaintances view. I'm a tad more sassy and occasionally say "damn."
And finally, there's the me to which I only expose real friends. I type "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK" until my fingers bleed, and then when I see the blood, I need a stiff drink, and then I get wasted, and then I start spouting politics.
And by politics, I'm all like: "IF YOU DON'T LOVE BERNIE SANDERS, THEN YOU HATE EQUALITY, YOU RACIST/MISOGYNIST/CLASSIST/PRIVILEGED MO-FO! YOU SHOULD JUST MARRY A GUN IF YOU LOVE THEM SO MUCH... OH WAIT!!! MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO ONLY BE BETWEEN A MAN AND WOMAN, REMEMBER?!?! SO YOU CAN'T MARRY YOUR GUN, YOU BIGOT!!!!"
I throw in a few kissing cat emoji, toss back a few Ambien, and call it a night.
Anyway, today was sorta being mega boring, but then I got THIS e-mail from the Bernie Sanders campaign:
I don't know if it's all the recent sex-related posts or if it's that "M * A * S * H" recently came to Netflix and my libido can't handle all that Alan Alda... but for whatever the reason, I've been getting turned on more easily lately, so when I saw THAT on my phone screen, well...
(Pulls out cigarette...)
Anyway, like I said, the day had been pretty mundane, and since I have to keep shit tight when it comes to those select few allowed in the inner sanctum of my social media, I created a little litmus test to help determine who to cull. In other words, I created a Facebook poll with the screenshot from above that asked:
I got this e-mail in my inbox today. Serious question: If you saw this exact same image on your phone (complete with the fire emoji and Bernie's beautifully back-lit brain), how likely is it that you would have to excuse yourself to find a mop?
A) Mop? I'd need a shop vac! I'm hot right now just thinking about it!
B) Zero chance. Also, I'm obviously an idiot who deserves to be deported to Mordor.
The first asshole to vote?
Chris doesn't "have the time" to "figure out" how to buy the thing I favorited on Etsy, but he sees an online opportunity to skewer his only significant sexual rival and he's all sorts of Johnny-on-the-spot.
So, anyway, he voted that he didn't find Bernie bootylicious, and about half a second later, one of my online friends commented, "So, no mutual Berning fap sessions for the Chris and Bekah. Got it."
Um, I didn't even know that was an option!!! I privately messaged Chris asking WHY, exactly, we couldn't do THAT, and he publicly responded: "Listen, while I find his ideas attractive, I do not find Bernie Sanders sexually attractive. Second! Threatening to send a nerd to Middle Earth is probably not the punishment that you think it is."
So, he'd rather go to lava hell than make a pass at our future President?
Then my friend posed a followup question: "Which presidential candidate do you find most sexually attractive, Chris?"
And Chris typed: "After long consideration, I would have to say myself."
Because I was still pissed that Chris had outright dismissed my suggestion of #BringingTheBern to the bedroom, I rage-banged-out: "LONG consideration? Ha. You clearly flatter yourself... down there..."
But I was afraid that if he was too dense to see how sexy Bernie is, then he might be too slow to get my derogatory drift, so I clarified: "I'm talking about your penis. I'm saying it's not long."
Anyway, that was my day, and it's been a while since I revealed that Bernie sets my baby box on fire and that I named my vibrator after him, so I decided to share with you just exactly how my Facebook works (my private one, not my public one, the latter of which y'all are welcome to join.)
AND... I wanted to see what y'all think of my man, Bernie. Like, my husband's totally wrong, right?
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What do you find most sexy about your candidate of choice? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.