We Haven't Talked About Bernie Sanders Lately, and That's NOT Acceptable!!!

We Haven't Talked About Bernie Sanders Lately, and That's NOT Acceptable!!!

I have a few different versions of myself on Facebook.

Thanks to the site's option to customize who sees what, I get to be different things to different people.

There's the me I present to my mother and mother-in-law. To them, I'm a religious Republican who only has sex for the purpose of procreation. Then there's the me that acquaintances view. I'm a tad more sassy and occasionally say "damn."

And finally, there's the me to which I only expose real friends. I type "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK" until my fingers bleed, and then when I see the blood, I need a stiff drink, and then I get wasted, and then I start spouting politics.

And by politics, I'm all like: "IF YOU DON'T LOVE BERNIE SANDERS, THEN YOU HATE EQUALITY, YOU RACIST/MISOGYNIST/CLASSIST/PRIVILEGED MO-FO! YOU SHOULD JUST MARRY A GUN IF YOU LOVE THEM SO MUCH... OH WAIT!!! MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO ONLY BE BETWEEN A MAN AND WOMAN, REMEMBER?!?! SO YOU CAN'T MARRY YOUR GUN, YOU BIGOT!!!!"

I throw in a few kissing cat emoji, toss back a few Ambien, and call it a night.

Done.

Interneting achieved.

Anyway, today was sorta being mega boring, but then I got THIS e-mail from the Bernie Sanders campaign:

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I don't know if it's all the recent sex-related posts or if it's that "M * A * S * H" recently came to Netflix and my libido can't handle all that Alan Alda... but for whatever the reason, I've been getting turned on more easily lately, so when I saw THAT on my phone screen, well...

(Pulls out cigarette...)

Anyway, like I said, the day had been pretty mundane, and since I have to keep shit tight when it comes to those select few allowed in the inner sanctum of my social media, I created a little litmus test to help determine who to cull. In other words, I created a Facebook poll with the screenshot from above that asked:

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I got this e-mail in my inbox today. Serious question: If you saw this exact same image on your phone (complete with the fire emoji and Bernie's beautifully back-lit brain), how likely is it that you would have to excuse yourself to find a mop?

A) Mop? I'd need a shop vac! I'm hot right now just thinking about it!
B) Zero chance. Also, I'm obviously an idiot who deserves to be deported to Mordor.

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The first asshole to vote?

My husband.

Chris doesn't "have the time" to "figure out" how to buy the thing I favorited on Etsy, but he sees an online opportunity to skewer his only significant sexual rival and he's all sorts of Johnny-on-the-spot.

So, anyway, he voted that he didn't find Bernie bootylicious, and about half a second later, one of my online friends commented, "So, no mutual Berning fap sessions for the Chris and Bekah. Got it."

Um, I didn't even know that was an option!!! I privately messaged Chris asking WHY, exactly, we couldn't do THAT, and he publicly responded: "Listen, while I find his ideas attractive, I do not find Bernie Sanders sexually attractive. Second! Threatening to send a nerd to Middle Earth is probably not the punishment that you think it is."

So, he'd rather go to lava hell than make a pass at our future President?

Idiot.

Then my friend posed a followup question: "Which presidential candidate do you find most sexually attractive, Chris?"

And Chris typed: "After long consideration, I would have to say myself."

Because I was still pissed that Chris had outright dismissed my suggestion of #BringingTheBern to the bedroom, I rage-banged-out: "LONG consideration? Ha. You clearly flatter yourself... down there..."

But I was afraid that if he was too dense to see how sexy Bernie is, then he might be too slow to get my derogatory drift, so I clarified: "I'm talking about your penis. I'm saying it's not long."

Anyway, that was my day, and it's been a while since I revealed that Bernie sets my baby box on fire and that I named my vibrator after him, so I decided to share with you just exactly how my Facebook works (my private one, not my public one, the latter of which y'all are welcome to join.)

AND... I wanted to see what y'all think of my man, Bernie. Like, my husband's totally wrong, right?

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True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What do you find most sexy about your candidate of choice? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.