I'd planned on a sensual post about Bernie Sanders (the object of my latest sex dreams), but I just can't even right now, since I am squirting horrid liquid out of both ends.
Yup. I've got the stomach flu. My hubkins, Chris, acquired the same bug (proof we've still got spark!). And then we both basically died. And our toilet will never recover. And my favorite pair of PJ pants didn't make it. And I'm pretty sure that when my housekeeper comes tomorrow, she's just going to quit.
This is the first time in our relationship that Chris and I have been ill at the same time, and I've learned a few things about him as a result.
Thing 1 I Learned: Chris shouts positive affirmations to himself when he vomits.
There he is, yakking his guts out, and right before each heave, he hollers something encouraging.
"You got this, body!"
"Bring it on!"
"Let's do this!"
"There's nothing you can't handle, Chris!"
So, there's that.
Thing 2 I Learned: I weirdly find him more attractive when he's miserable.
So, we're laying in bed, and Chris groans in pure agony. And I look over at him, and I swear, dear readers, he's never looked so good. Like, at that exact moment, I was over the moon in love with that guy. If I hadn't been absolutely certain it would've resulted in me regurgitating chicken noodles, I would've pounced his bacteria-ridden carcass.
I expressed this sweet sentiment, and Chris had the nerve to GET mad.
"You never want sexy times with me," he said. "What do you think it says to me that you're most turned on by me when I'm suffering? You're a sadist, you know that? But not in a hot way. Go away. I hate you right now."
Thing 3 I Learned: I can't come up with a third, because I'm so sick, and I'm going to go puke now.
Okay. So, yup. That's my post. Next time I'll blog about Senator Sanders, and trust me, you'll feel the Bern, down there, because his sexiness is a fact that cannot be ignored.
(Fun little user fact: If you click on the picture up above, you can see a pile of sweet corn vomit.)
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What's the most inappropriate thing you've experienced while ill? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.