This Is A Post About Porn...

This Is A Post About Porn...

I didn't want to share this with you.

After all, porn is one of those controversial things that you either really dig or really don't.

But I decided I was cool telling my friend this story, and she laughed, and then she asked, "Are you going to write about this on your blog?," and then I said, "It's about sex stuff, so it might be too much, you know?"

And then this friend (who happens to be a medium who gives me messages from my deceased cat) said, "Um, wasn't your last piece about how you shit the bed in front of Chris? Like, it was all about your colonoscopy, right? I think people can handle something about sex for a change."

Valid point.

So, here goes.

As you know, I have been crazy sick for the past 5 weeks and doctors only recently diagnosed me with a dozen-ish ulcers. For the entire month plus, I have ejected the most bile of substances in front of my husband. That's just part of the glamour of going through a gross gastrointestinal issue. The other aspect is that I was fainting when I showered, so I barely bathed for that whole month. I certainly didn't do my hair or makeup, and I went so long without shaving that Chris actually suggested one weekend that we braid each other's leg hair.

Best part of all this? Our anniversary was smack in the middle of this fiasco. As was Chris's birthday.

Y'all know those are the only two days of the year the poor boy is guaranteed to get some. But not this year. No nookie was had on my man's special days.

So, this morning, I told Chris, "I'm okay if you watch porn, you know."

He looked at me askance over his oatmeal, and then this conversation happened:

Chris: I know...

Me: Well, I just wanted to make sure that you knew.

Chris: Okay...

Me: Well, I'm just bringing it up because I know it's been almost six weeks since we last had sex, so... I thought you might be... you know, getting antsy in your pantsies.

Chris: Okay. This is weird. Where are you going with it?

Me: Oh, you know. I'm just wondering... if you've been jacking it.

Chris: If I've been jacking it...?

Me: Yup.

Chris: I work from home. Just in the other room. And I don't have to try too hard to hear you puking. And you think that during my workday hours --- which is the only time I have a break from being your home care nurse --- that I'm sitting there, jacking it, while you're back here being super disgusting, because that's the sort of thing that turns me on?

Me: Well, obviously you wouldn't be thinking of me. That's why I asked about the porn!

Chris: Okay. So, I'm doing my work, listening to you shit again, and you think I'm just watching porn, jacking it, because I want to see some stranger cum on some girl's face?

Me: WHAT? WHY?!? WHY WOULD HE CUM ON HER FACE?!? EWWWW!!! THAT'S WHAT DOES IT FOR YOU!?!

Chris: What did you expect porn to be like? There's no porn that shows the guy going off to a job he doesn't like for eight hours and then coming home and finding out that his wife didn't cook dinner because she got into a fight with her sister today and just "couldn't handle boiling pasta" so then the guy orders takeout but the woman complains that he didn't order extra ranch packets and then they both eat too much and pop a bunch of Tums and wait two hours and then go to the bedroom to have two minutes of missionary sex in the dark with absolutely no cameras inside and their cats are waiting on the other side of the closed door because the guy forgot to feed them because the wife sure isn't capable of doing it. Is THAT what you thought porn would be like?

Me: Well, I mean... that doesn't sound too bad.

Chris: Uh huh.

Me: Well, maybe for your I'm-sorry-I-couldn't-have-birthday-sex-on-your-actual-birthday sex, you can cum on my face. I mean, would you want to do that? Would you want that for your present? Because I've been too sick to get your present.

Chris: Can my birthday present be cumming on your face?

Me: If you want that...

... Silence ...

Me: Okay. I really don't want you to do that. I really, really don't. What about a cookbook? Would you like a cookbook?

Chris: A cookbook is fine.

So, that's it. That's my story about porn. I mean, I have other stories about porn. Because, you know, I'm cool. I've watched it. I think...

Anyway, if you're disappointed by this subject matter and would rather hear an amusing anecdote about the adventures of my amazing anus, just message me. I'll try to make it up to you.

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True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What porn does it for you? Can you provide links? No, seriously. I want to know what I'm missing. Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.