My Sister Messaged Me That She is Going to Jail For Running Over My Ex-Brother-In-Law With Her Car

10:24 P.M. TUESDAY My sister, Audrey, sends me the following private Facebook message: "Going to jail. Hit (my ex) with the car. Fight for (my son) with all you have." I reach across the mountain of soiled Kleenex to the bucket sitting beside my bed, and I vomit into it. As I do, my left ass cheek starts bleeding. That's just been the kind of day I've been having. 12 HOURS EARLIER So, it's morning, and I'm sick. Congested, snotty, sneezy, wheezy sick. My asshat husband, Chris, tells me I need to "buck up." After all, he's had

The Worst News Roundup Ever Written

I don't know why people apologize for taking breaks from blogging. After all, absence only makes the heart grow fonder, and you bitches need to learn to love me. So, following an appropriate period of withholding, I am returning at just the right time, much in the way your genital warts resurface when you've met "the one." For real, though, I know I've been a bit removed lately. I tried to remedy this situation by showering you with kickass guest posts from some super rad peeps. If my blog stats can be trusted, you actually liked those writers better than

GramGram's Got a Cooter...

I desperately wish my headline had misplaced an "S" and that my grandmother had discovered a scooter rather than a working vagina. But I'm not that lucky. And neither, apparently, are a few men that I don't even want to pretend exist. The moral (or lack thereof) of this post is that Nana's naughty. It's a truth I don't want to acknowledge. Ever. At all. In any measure or degree. But I promised y'all the unadulterated truth (a pun you'll appreciate by this post's end), and I'm going to give it to you (which is ostensibly a phrase with which

It Was So Nice Of My Friend To Check In & See How My Back Is Healing From That Time She Stabbed Me In It

For years now, I've been super duper Facebook friends with this chick from high school. And just today, I remembered that she's a total bitch. She visited my blog, read the post where I shamelessly revealed that my sister had herpes, and she apparently panicked, because immediately after, we had this IM conversation: Her: So, are you going to only talk about family? Or friends, also? Me: Friends, too. So, beware ;) Her: Oh. I did some pretty bitchy things to you... Me: Really? Her: Uuuuuuh. Bruce Duncan? That was low... Me: Um. What'd you do? I have zero memory of

I Think My Ex Just Threatened to Eat My Cats...

Once upon 2002, a very white girl fell in love with a very Asian boy. He wooed her by grilling her steaks and joking that the meat source was stray cats. The very Asian boy then proposed marriage to the very white girl, all while covertly banging the very Asian girl to whom he had been very betrothed by his parents when he was 4. That white girl was me, and that Asian guy was the recently-introduced Mr. Ass Hat, who, PLOT TWIST, just sent me a Facebook friend request. Out of nowhere. WITH A FAKE NAME. Imagine, if you