I Hope My Ass Smothers My Scale, Because I Hate That Lying Bitch

My scale lied to me. Like, for real. If it were Pinocchio, its nose would be 10 pounds long. There's the long version of this story, which involves doctors and a contact case and a demon cat and a sobbing session and a really uncomfortable gym employee. Then there's the short story, which is this: My cat knocked my contact case off of the bathroom counter, and the case got wedged underneath the bathroom scale, so when I stood on it, it made it seem like I was 10 pounds lighter than I actually was, but I didn't know the