I'm Not Actually Planning on Murdering My Sister (But the Day's Not Over Yet)

So, I sort of shit in your bed. Metaphorically, of course. I see you're worried, so let me explain using a scene from one of my favorite movies, "Pirate Radio." One of the characters is describing how he was in bed with this girl and he thought she wouldn't notice if he let go a little bit of wind. But it wasn't wind. It was diarrhea. So, there he was, with the girl of his dreams, with poo all over the sheets behind him. Yes, it's a plot point that is both crass and juvenile, but it's a cinematic moment

The Worst News Roundup Ever Written

I don't know why people apologize for taking breaks from blogging. After all, absence only makes the heart grow fonder, and you bitches need to learn to love me. So, following an appropriate period of withholding, I am returning at just the right time, much in the way your genital warts resurface when you've met "the one." For real, though, I know I've been a bit removed lately. I tried to remedy this situation by showering you with kickass guest posts from some super rad peeps. If my blog stats can be trusted, you actually liked those writers better than

I brainstormed a witty title for this post about herpes, but I couldn't think of anything "catchy"...

Reason #1,386,928 I deserve a medal and/or a cookie: I was at the grocery store yesterday, and the cashier asked me how my day had been thus far, and I did not respond with, "Welp, my sister just revealed she's contracted herpes from her ex-convict husband. I don't know who was more surprised: her or me. Just kidding. It was totally her." Rather, I decided to go with the more sedate answer and said, "I'm as okay as I can be, considering I have a colonoscopy tomorrow. I'm just here to pick up adult diapers because I