My Sister Messaged Me That She is Going to Jail For Running Over My Ex-Brother-In-Law With Her Car

10:24 P.M. TUESDAY My sister, Audrey, sends me the following private Facebook message: "Going to jail. Hit (my ex) with the car. Fight for (my son) with all you have." I reach across the mountain of soiled Kleenex to the bucket sitting beside my bed, and I vomit into it. As I do, my left ass cheek starts bleeding. That's just been the kind of day I've been having. 12 HOURS EARLIER So, it's morning, and I'm sick. Congested, snotty, sneezy, wheezy sick. My asshat husband, Chris, tells me I need to "buck up." After all, he's had

Whiskers and Waffles:  My Parents Met a Furry at Brunch

Did y'all know that my husband, Chris, was engaged to a furry before he snagged me? That's right. A furry. Don't know what that is? Well, neither did my parents. I wasn't ever planning on explaining this particular subculture to them, but then Chris and I took them for brunch at this swank hotel restaurant, and we saw this when we walked into the lobby: Obviously, my folks couldn't help but notice a gigantic dalmatian traipsing around, especially when it tried to hug them. They were also mystified by all the other people parading around wearing an array of ears,

Bernie Sanders Sets My Baby Box On Fire, And I Like It ;)

While at a friend's house for a party, I made the slight etiquette breach of gushing, "I'm so sorry about your couch right now, but SPLOOSH!" I don't often draw attention to my faux orgasms. That's just gauche. But seconds before, an idea was birthed that was so arousing and so titillating that the heat it produced almost dissipated the wetness it caused in my panties. Truly, I hesitate to share the concept with you, as I'm legit scared that every person with a libido will capsize from the intensity of it all. Still want it? Okay. Well, you've been