The Best Cults Are Polygamous and Have Animal Sacrifices (But That's Just My Personal Experience)

My dad disappeared when I was 10. Ok, so, he didn't vanish forever. That'd be a bummer. But it would explain my prodigious therapy bill. Instead, my Pappy just dropped off the grid for a couple of hours so he could secure a compound. This is the point in the post where I issue one of those "trigger warnings." If you're not down with accidental animal sacrifices or other forms of religious skullduggery, now's the time to bail. Because I'm about to reveal that I once unwittingly served as an adolescent acolyte of one of the Midwest's most prominent Evangelical

My Mom Offered to Send Me to Fat Camp.... On My 30th Birthday

Yeah, that's pretty much the whole story right there. However, I've been encouraged to wrap some words around this, but that only makes me want to wrap bacon around a slice of pizza. My mother assumes that's how I start my day anyway, so might as well... Truthfully, I'd super rather not discuss my obesity with y'all, but my hypnotherapist swears I can only achieve my goddamned "desired state of calm perfection" if I embrace the cathartic process of expressing myself. She wants me to use this blog to write about something real. I want her to get real about