I Hope My Ass Smothers My Scale, Because I Hate That Lying Bitch

My scale lied to me. Like, for real. If it were Pinocchio, its nose would be 10 pounds long. There's the long version of this story, which involves doctors and a contact case and a demon cat and a sobbing session and a really uncomfortable gym employee. Then there's the short story, which is this: My cat knocked my contact case off of the bathroom counter, and the case got wedged underneath the bathroom scale, so when I stood on it, it made it seem like I was 10 pounds lighter than I actually was, but I didn't know the

That One Time We Considered Stuffing Our Dead Cat Into a Teddy Bear...

I'm about to tell you the world's saddest story. No. This isn't about the time Firefly got cancelled. Although that was a goddamn tragedy. INSTEAD... Once upon a time, my doctors told me that my thyroid had sprouted a gnarly tumor. A few days later, I turned 30. Then later that exact same week, the vet executed my kitten. Pop quiz: Which scenario upset me the most? A) Cancer B) Turning old C) Saying goodbye to my kitty Did you eat a bowl of dumb for breakfast? Obviously the answer is C, as in C for Cat. Because you failed