I'm Worried I'm A Furry...

So, things got weird in the bedroom last night. My husband and I were snuggled under the covers, and Chris drifted asleep before I did. I lay drowsily content in his arms and was about two seconds away from entering the Land of Nod myself when my husband started softly snoring. The sleepy serenade didn't annoy me. Instead, it sounded gentle and sweet and conveyed nothing but a sense of contentment. I loved it. My man was happy even when freed from the bonds of consciousness, a realm that dictates he at least feign joy in my presence. And then,

The Best Cults Are Polygamous and Have Animal Sacrifices (But That's Just My Personal Experience)

My dad disappeared when I was 10. Ok, so, he didn't vanish forever. That'd be a bummer. But it would explain my prodigious therapy bill. Instead, my Pappy just dropped off the grid for a couple of hours so he could secure a compound. This is the point in the post where I issue one of those "trigger warnings." If you're not down with accidental animal sacrifices or other forms of religious skullduggery, now's the time to bail. Because I'm about to reveal that I once unwittingly served as an adolescent acolyte of one of the Midwest's most prominent Evangelical

I Trained My Husband to Change the Litter, and So Can You!

My husband and I have been married for almost six years, and in that half decade, we've only had 2.5 actual fights. The first serious squabble between me and Chris obviously concerned the thermostat. The second battle focused on his inability to use basic grammar and punctuation. The most recent ruckus involved determining who had to collect the mushy gifts deposited by our cats in their bathroom box. Our first two altercations hit all the high points: crying, screaming, silent treatments, and couch-sleeping. So, when the Feline Feces Feud first began, I quickly surmised that our marriage couldn't handle

The Worst News Roundup Ever Written

I don't know why people apologize for taking breaks from blogging. After all, absence only makes the heart grow fonder, and you bitches need to learn to love me. So, following an appropriate period of withholding, I am returning at just the right time, much in the way your genital warts resurface when you've met "the one." For real, though, I know I've been a bit removed lately. I tried to remedy this situation by showering you with kickass guest posts from some super rad peeps. If my blog stats can be trusted, you actually liked those writers better than

20 Delightful Cat-Themed Reasons To Ruin Your Credit

Apparently, I actually am reincarnated. I learned today that the Catholic Church has a patron saint of cats, Saint Gertrude of Nivelles, and I'm pretty sure I'm here. After all, this miraculous cat lady died at the age of 33 (my current age) "because of too much abstinence" (my current medical condition), according to medieval history books. Let me repeat that: The patron saint of cats died in her 30s from a lack of sex. Like, I feel badly for her, but how hilarious is that? Anyway, I think all of we cat ladies should unite in honor of this

There Is A Picture In Here Of A Cowboy With A Cactus As His Cockledoodledoo...

Have y'all heard of Instagram? Apparently, it's this app for your phone where you can post your pictures online using these cool things called "filters" that make your images look super snazzy and professional. Then, complete strangers validate your photo street cred by "liking" your photographs. If this can happen, then anything can! Maybe I'll get my Hogwarts letter! Maybe One Direction will become whole again! Ooooo! Maybe Bernie Sanders will let me lick his face! #FeeltheBern!! Anywhoo... I found this Instagram sorcery, and I completely forgot to write a blog post, because OMG! FANCY PICTURES! And then I started

That One Time We Considered Stuffing Our Dead Cat Into a Teddy Bear...

I'm about to tell you the world's saddest story. No. This isn't about the time Firefly got cancelled. Although that was a goddamn tragedy. INSTEAD... Once upon a time, my doctors told me that my thyroid had sprouted a gnarly tumor. A few days later, I turned 30. Then later that exact same week, the vet executed my kitten. Pop quiz: Which scenario upset me the most? A) Cancer B) Turning old C) Saying goodbye to my kitty Did you eat a bowl of dumb for breakfast? Obviously the answer is C, as in C for Cat. Because you failed

I Think My Ex Just Threatened to Eat My Cats...

Once upon 2002, a very white girl fell in love with a very Asian boy. He wooed her by grilling her steaks and joking that the meat source was stray cats. The very Asian boy then proposed marriage to the very white girl, all while covertly banging the very Asian girl to whom he had been very betrothed by his parents when he was 4. That white girl was me, and that Asian guy was the recently-introduced Mr. Ass Hat, who, PLOT TWIST, just sent me a Facebook friend request. Out of nowhere. WITH A FAKE NAME. Imagine, if you

You Won't Believe The 10 Things Your Vagina Says About Your Favorite Muppet

Wherein a Brand New Blogger Attempts to Attract Readers By Following the Internet's Advice to Use All the Memes and a Click Bait Title... Awhile back, my hubkins and I fled one of those boxy Midwestern states and relocated to a region of the deep-fried South where a few folks still refer to the Civil War as "that recent unpleasantness." We had been here, like, a whole day before my life partner forgot that I had left my job to move for his job, and he was all like,"Go get a job, lazy bones." As a journalist, I was