My Vagina Is On a Diet, And It Would Appreciate It If You Stopped Offering It Cake

Apparently, my vagina is hungry for more than mere man flesh, and according to the Internet, my honey pot's cravings for chocolate and Cheetos means that I am no longer desirable down there. All my life, I've been reasonably satisfied with my wahoo. I mean, I never entered it into a beauty pageant or anything, but the last time I checked, it seemed adequate. Fortunately, Pinterest sensed I was being naive about my corpulent copulater and remedied the situation by suggesting that I read the health article, "How to Lose Weight in the Pubic Area." Mind. Blown. Without that news

My Mom Offered to Send Me to Fat Camp.... On My 30th Birthday

Yeah, that's pretty much the whole story right there. However, I've been encouraged to wrap some words around this, but that only makes me want to wrap bacon around a slice of pizza. My mother assumes that's how I start my day anyway, so might as well... Truthfully, I'd super rather not discuss my obesity with y'all, but my hypnotherapist swears I can only achieve my goddamned "desired state of calm perfection" if I embrace the cathartic process of expressing myself. She wants me to use this blog to write about something real. I want her to get real about