Apparently Mark Zuckerberg wants me to practice online abstinence.
How else can you explain why he kept me from receiving the following message:
"Hey, i'm from india, read some post on the (Humans of New York) page, saw your coment on the post, immediately had to msg you to tell u look so cute with those glasses, its like your beautiful eyes and smile is out of the world, you dont even have to accept the request if u think its creepy, trust me even i m wondering y i m messaging a random stranger to tell her she looks out of the world cute but i had to (smile emoticon), have a nice life."
Um, pure poetry, amirite?
The last time a guy said anything remotely this romantic to me was when (my now husband) Chris wanted to get in my pants that one time in 2007.
So, yeah, that private message touched all the right self-esteem buttons.
Y'all! Of the thousands of women who commented on the popular Humans of New York Facebook page that this guy could have messaged with no ulterior motive to just let her know she was beautiful, he picked me!!
So, yeah, I was all like...
Except it wasn't at all rhetorical. I really wanted to be like, "No, seriously, tell me about it. Tell me more about how 'out of the world cute' I am...," so I could revel in that sexual energy that can only find release like this...
Of course I was referring to singing. What were you thinking? Perverts.
(And with that, I'll cut myself off from these gifs, lest you suffer from too much Grease.)
Anyway... Where was I? Oh? You want to know exactly how Facebook prevented me from seeing this message when I so clearly just shared it with you? Huh. Guess I should get to that, too, shouldn't I? Sheesh. Y'all are pushy when it comes to wanting the facts.
This is the deal: Apparently Facebook messenger filters my messages and sends quite a few to what essentially is a spam folder named "Message Requests." Except I didn't know that. Until yesterday. When somebody insisted they'd messaged me vital information, and I hadn't received it yet. So I went hunting. And I found that spam folder.
Holy shit, folks! I had messages dating back to 2008!! And some of them were good, y'all. Like, real good. People sent me juicy news tips (during the time period I was a reporter.) Other people sent me job offers (during the time period I was looking for work.) My super annoying Aunt sent me somewhere upwards of 400 messages just asking things like "Jesus loves you?" and "Y u no accept game request?" And there, buried in this mountain of unread goodness, was that delicious missive from Samar from India, where he was basically all like...
(Yeah, I lied. Y'all knew I wasn't done with these gifs.)
I was so torn as to what my response should be that I was all like...
(I promise I'll stop eventually with these gifs.)
And then I noticed the date on this hidden message: 2010. SIX YEARS AGO!!!
Here I was, all ready to be like, "Okay, Samar..."
But I've AGED six years! He's not going to think I'm so hot now that I'm... GASP!... in my 30s. Samar has probably moved on to some other, younger girl who is "the world" in her glasses. But I'll never know now, because Samar has since deleted his Facebook account, leaving me in a perpetual state of "what if?"
Oh, well, dreams of creepy global online love. I'm sorry we missed our window. I'm sorry that Facebook cock-blocked me. I'm sorry that we'll never know how high this completely normal relationship could have soared.
I'm sorry that this is goodbye. And I'm also sorry about the fact that I have one more Grease gif...
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. Have you ever been creepishly complimented by a complete stranger? Was it flattering or awful? You do know that I don't really want to be in a relationship with this goober, right? Like, you know I'm super happy with my hubby, right? And it's ridiculous that some asshat is out there thinking that I'll be seduced into an online relationship by his poor grammar, lack of punctuation, and horrid spelling, right? Or does that actually work for some people? What is wrong with the Internet? Also, did you know that Facebook had a spam folder? Because that really threw me... Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.