My Vagina Is On a Diet, And It Would Appreciate It If You Stopped Offering It Cake

My Vagina Is On a Diet, And It Would Appreciate It If You Stopped Offering It Cake

Apparently, my vagina is hungry for more than mere man flesh, and according to the Internet, my honey pot's cravings for chocolate and Cheetos means that I am no longer desirable down there.

All my life, I've been reasonably satisfied with my wahoo. I mean, I never entered it into a beauty pageant or anything, but the last time I checked, it seemed adequate. Fortunately, Pinterest sensed I was being naive about my corpulent copulater and remedied the situation by suggesting that I read the health article, "How to Lose Weight in the Pubic Area."

Mind. Blown.

Without that news story, how would I have known that my beef curtains could even be too beefy?

Sure, I'm aware that I'm plenty of pounds past plump. It's a hard thing to forget when your own mother offers to pay to send you to adult fat camp for your 30th birthday present. But my concerns about my extra tonnage have thus far been confined to the battle of the belly bulge or the junk in my trunk. But F.U.P.A. ( Fat Upper Pubic Area )? I had to draw the line somewhere, and a blubbery bajingo is it.

No longer able to claim ignorance on this issue, I turned to the Interwebs for solutions other than "suck it in", and I found thousands of other people with vaginas facing the same predicament.

They went to Yahoo Answers and typed: "Help. My vagina is fat and puffy." They turned to SparkPeople to ask: "How do I keep my vagina looking trim?" And they posted on sex forums, querying: "Is my fat, meaty vagina a turnoff?"

Good questions, one and all, so I kept searching for the corresponding answers until I found three info tidbits that particularly piqued my penis fly trap's interest:

  • "Just as your face starts sagging, so too will your undercarriage inevitably age over time."

  • "A sagging hoo-ha can be a confidence killer in the bedroom."

  • "This can be easily addressed with liposuction or excisional surgery under local anesthesia."

In other words:

  • Your vajayjay not only can get fat, but it can also get old.

  • Your fat AND old cave of wonders is a war crime against your poor lover, who deserves better than all your wrinkly bits.

  • You can easily address these issues by surgically trimming up your tuna taco.

I also found the following meme, which underscores how serious this whole thing is.

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Now, I'm currently unemployed, so I make zero money. Also, I'm pretty sure my health insurance doesn't cover vaginoplasty or labia liposuction (thanks, Obama!). Thus, I'm forced to rely on the old-fashioned method of diet and exercise to whip my poonanny in shape.

I'm going to investigate that whole kegel thing, for starters. But we all know that what we take in is more important than the calories burned, so I'm also going to have to watch what my oval office eats. From here on out, it's only fruits and veggies for my panty hamster.

Yes. Those are vibrators shaped like a banana and a cucumber. They are much better for my magic maker than something filled with high-fructose corn syrup.

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Now, I know all of y'all out there with a vagina are now worried that you, too, have a bulgy beaver. Allow me to offer reassurance.

First, while your vagina may be obese, at least you didn't expose it to herpes when you continued sleeping with your ex-convict spouse who was cheating on you with an over-the-road trucker grandma 20 years his senior. Second, in the course of my relationship with my husband, Chris, I've gained 130+ pounds, due to a thyroid tumor and poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. He has seen me morph from a healthy human to a hippopotamus, and he's loved me throughout the whole ordeal. In fact, he even still swears that he thinks I'm sexy.

Honestly, though, I was worried that an obese coochie coo might be the straw that finally broke the camel toe's back. So, I approached Chris this afternoon, and we had the following exchange:

Me: Do you think my vagina is fat?
Chris: Um... no?
Me: Because the Internet said that some vaginas can be too fat.
Chris: I can honestly say that I have never seen a vagina and thought, "Wow. That vagina needs to get it's shit together."
Me: Are you sure? Or are you just being polite?
Chris: I'm sure I have never, ever thought, "God, what are you using on your vagina? A sausage gravy douche?"
Me: Okay. Well. I was just wondering.

(Five minutes later)
Chris: Now I'm thinking about all the fat vaginas out there. Like, can't you just picture all of them riding around Wal-Mart on their Rascal scooters?
Me: That's gross.
Chris: So, are these fat vaginas like cupcakes -- spongy and full of carbs?
Me: Okay. That's enough.
Chris: Like, does your vagina even lift, brah?
Me: No, really, that's enough.
Chris: Is your vagina an emotional eater? Or is it just big-boned? Get it? Big BONED?
Me: I'm leaving now.
Chris: Why? Does your vagina have a Weight Watchers meeting?
Me: You're starting to make me feel insecure.
Chris: Honey, I love you. Seriously. I don't care how fat your vagina gets. The worst case scenario here is that there's more cushion for the pushin'.

Welp, I guess we're done here. Me and my fat vagina are in need of some Brad Pitt, so we're going to go watch that movie where he's got that super sexy Irish accent. Oh, what's it's name? I feel like I should know it.

Oh, yeah!

Snatch.

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Two things you should know:

1) I have added an option for you to subscribe for new posts. I promise you'll only receive an e-mail in the event that a new post hits the blog. I'm not just going to randomly spam you with cat pictures.

2) You might have noticed that I used this post to expand your vocabulary. Every alternative name for vagina was listed in a bold font so you can bookmark this page and refer back to it the next time you want to talk about your front bottom.

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True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What's your favorite name for your genitalia? Have you ever once thought that your privates were obese? Can you believe the level of fat-shaming we've reached in our society when women are made to feel that even their vagina is chubby? What the fuck, people? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.