Thanks to My Awesome Aunting Skills, My 3-Year-Old Niece Might Know What Reverse Cowgirl Means

Thanks to My Awesome Aunting Skills, My 3-Year-Old Niece Might Know What Reverse Cowgirl Means

I've had sex exactly 11 times, and now I have 11 nieces and nephews.

Or at least, I'm pretty sure that's how it works. Whatever. Go read a biology book.

Anyway, back to my point: I have nearly a dozen children to corrupt, and I take my responsibility to do so seriously.

Consider this proffering: Last month, my oldest nephew, Nephew #1, stayed a whole week with me and my husband. During those seven days, I taught the 14-year-old a new naughty hand gesture, two new reasons to mock his mother, and three new swear words. I also told him that God is dead, that pot is totally way better than he can imagine, and that Santa is a complete falsehood*.

(For the record, I am kidding... about most of it. I'm not that shitty of an adult. Only two of those things actually happened.)

I try to implement my insidious plans of ruination early. Like, before the chitlins can talk. I'm begging Bacchus that just one of my niblings opens his/her/its/their mouth and utters the first words, "Sex and hell." Or "hell and sex." I'm not picky about the order. Content over syntax here, folks.

Unfortunately, such a miracle failed to occur with my first five nieces/nephews, so I decided to up my game by getting on the field early with my latest not-my-kids.

And by early, I mean really, really, really early. Like, when-they're-nothing-but-a-blindingly-bright-twinkle-in-their-sex-deprived-virgin-parents'-eyes early.

Four years ago, my chaste baby sister, whom I should call Jessa Let-Me-Be-A Duggar but whose actual name is Carrie, found a Christian man, refused to smooch him until her wedding, and then married the crap out of him so they could shaboink and make babies. I also think they loved each other, but I don't know how much that played into their decision to espouse.

Anyway, I decided I couldn't let her go about the whole child-creating process completely unlearned, so, as any good sister would, I bought her a copy of the Kama Sutra.

Apparently she liked it, because in four years, she and her husband have popped out three kiddos and the fourth is in the proverbial oven. No, seriously, she has Irish quadruplets, and I'm pretty sure her vagina is damaged beyond any type of repair. Like, it's Fallujah circa 1991 down there. It just can't be good.

But enough about my baby sister's baby maker. The point is that she has sex. And it must be at least a little kinky, because she keeps that bang book I gave her right by her bed.

I know this because the other day I was on the phone with Carrie, and her 3-year-old daughter, Niece #2, ran into the room squealing, "Mommy! Mommy! Can we read the exercise book?!"

And then my sister about choked, and I could feel her blushing. Seriously, the embarrassed heat coming off her face about melted my phone.

Turns out, my resourceful and nosy niece scrounged through her mommy's night table, found the Kama Sutra, looked at the pictures, and rationally reasoned that it explained the complexities of advanced calisthenics.

So, Carrie tried to pretend like it wasn't a book just about how to fuck, and she said, "Um, that's an exercise book for Mommy and Daddy?"

And then Niece #2 was like, "Can I exercise with you and Daddy?"

And then my sister basically died. And I laughed so hard that I got a nose bleed. And I yelled through the phone, "Niece #2! Can you say 'sex?'" And my sister got mad at me and told me to shut up. And then my niece was all aghast and like, "Mommy! You said a bad word!" And my sister was all annoyed and like, "I'm sorry. Mommy didn't mean to say a bad word to Aunt Bekah. I'm sorry, Aunt Bekah, that I said something mean to you." And then I was all jazzed and like, "Yeah, you should be sorry. You're a terrible mom. You said a bad word AND your daughter is still holding a book filled with dick pics."

And then Carried did hang up on me, and I felt like I unlocked a new Auntie achievement.

I just hope Niece #2 doesn't have issues when she eventually grows up and goes to the gym. Like, can you just imagine her in yoga class, suggesting they do "the reclining lotus" or "splitting bamboo?" Actually, I do want this to happen. It would be the best yoga class ever, and I would be the best aunt ever, and life would be the best ever.

And done.