Once upon 2002, a very white girl fell in love with a very Asian boy. He wooed her by grilling her steaks and joking that the meat source was stray cats. The very Asian boy then proposed marriage to the very white girl, all while covertly banging the very Asian girl to whom he had been very betrothed by his parents when he was 4.
That white girl was me, and that Asian guy was the recently-introduced Mr. Ass Hat, who, PLOT TWIST, just sent me a Facebook friend request. Out of nowhere. WITH A FAKE NAME.
Imagine, if you will, that you're just sitting there, deciding which Photoshopped image of you would make for the best profile pic to incite jealousy, when that little notification window appears. You've been friended by some rando. You don't recognize the name. But the dude in the picture does look vaguely familiar. Like... wait... you know that guy. No... you REALLY know that guy... Like, in the Biblical sense... Holy hell, you lost your virginity to that guy! I mean, he didn't look like that when you were all twitterpated. You would have NEVER tolerated that horrid mustache. But, you're pretty sure it's him...
Most people (and by that, I mean ALL of my friends that I texted/IM'd/called as this was going down) would be like, "Block, block, block, and wash your hands of this weirdness."
I had SO many questions: Was this actually him? Or was hallucinating a side effect of my recent hypnosis session? Why the name change? Why contact me after 10+ years?! Does he remember that he CHEATED on me?!? (Yup. Nope. Still don't have a clue. Because he wants to get laid. Obviously not.)
Without further commentary, here's the honest-to-goodness unedited IM conversation that transpired (grammar/spelling errors are ALL his; #bulletdodged):
Me: Um... Ass Hat?
Ass Hat: Hey hey. How's it going Becky?
Me: 1) That creepy mustache has got to go. 2) You know I hate being called Becky. 3) What happened to your actual name?
Ass Hat: I know but thought u didn't mind i call u Becky ;)
Me: You are clearly remembering things incorrectly. Like... your name?
Ass Hat: I have changed it like 7 years ago
Me: Okay. That's sort of weird...
Ass Hat: Where do u live now?
Me: In the South.
Ass Hat: Get back to (our mutual hometown) often?
Ass Hat: u have kids?
Me: I have two cats.
Ass Hat: I eat cats.
Me: Ok. Also weird.
Ass Hat: You single?
Me: Nope. Married. Remember Chris Rigby? He and I were friends while you and I were dating...
Ass Hat: U had a lot of guy friends but ok
Me: And you had a lot of girl friends. That you fucked. Are you married?
Ass Hat: August will be 6yrs
Me: Does she know your real name?
Ass Hat: For some reason i thought about u today then i searched u up. I saw your pictures of cats. They look yummy
Me: Yeah... you're exactly as unfunny as I remember...
Ass Hat: U know u can't forget me
Me: Yeah. I tend not to forget people who have cheated on me...
Ass Hat: So, ur a housewife now?
Me: Um... no.
Ass Hat: You don't cook for your man?
Me: Chris is a kickass chef.
Ass Hat: Does he make better stake than me?
Ass Hat: Does he know u like asian? ;)
Me: Don't you even go there. I like my meat white, monogamous, and with it's real name.
Ass Hat: Hey, gotta go to a meeting now. Talk to u later.
That is easily the most bizarre Facebook conversation of my life, and that's saying something, when you consider that one of my cousins recently messaged me to reveal that she had participated in what she thinks qualifies as a foursome.
Anyway, I thought that was it. Ass Hat checked in, tested the waters, and got a gigantic middle finger.
But he was back at it the next morning...
Ass Hat: What's up beautiful?
Me: Yeah. My name's Bekah. Don't type shit that would piss off your wife...
Ass Hat: She knows when i mean it and when not. Lol
Me: Uh huh. Well, my husband doesn't, and we live in the South now, so he's totally allowed to chain you up behind his truck and road-haul you until you're nothing but a pelvis wearing a belt.
Cheater: I gotta go pick up my wife for lunch.
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What horrors have you inflicted on your ex? Or, if you're too chicken for being that real, that's the weirdest thing your ex has done? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.