I'm *Fairly* Sure My Husband Isn't a Pedophile, And Other Halloween Thoughts...

I'm *Fairly* Sure My Husband Isn't a Pedophile, And Other Halloween Thoughts...

Halloween sucks when you're a kid in an Evangelical Christian cult.

Celebrating the Devil's Day is a sin of the highest order, in that obviously costumes are wearable false idols and buying candy is a misuse of funds designated for God's work.

I wish I were joking.

Bless my parents' non-heretical hearts. Even though they knew to nix treat-or-treating to save our souls, they recognized that maintaining a holy Halloween was tough for we children. They didn't want us to be too tempted to partake in witch-related wickedness, so they created a Christian alternative.

They organized a "Pumpkin Patch Party" in the basement of an old grocery store that served as our church. Entertainment included a Scripture recitation competition and a Bible-themed costume contest. My brother won the first year. He wore a loin cloth and toted a bear-shaped honey container and an old Pepsi bottle stuffed with dead crickets.

Get it? He was John the Baptist! That prophetic dude who survived in the desert on a diet of nothing but locusts and honey? Truly, we were too clever for our own good.

Anyway, I was shitty at Halloween as a kid, and I'm sorta still shitty at it as an adult. I don't dress up, don't decorate, and don't really do horror flicks. Not once in our relationship have Chris and I donned a couple's costume.

Some people say this makes us a subpar pairing. Bullshit. Me and my man make marriage look like the world's hippest party. We are that couple. The couple everyone wants to be. And one of our secrets for success is that we're not into doing traditional couple's things (sex being the obvious exception.) But last year, things sort of got out of hand, and now I'm rethinking how we approach this holiday.

So, there's the short story: Our neighbors totally mistook Chris for a pedophile.

And there's the long story, which is basically this: We live in a huge apartment complex that hosts its own trick-or-treating event. I like kids well enough, and I certainly love candy like whoa, so I told Chris that the least we could do as Americans is contribute to our nation's adolescent obesity epidemic. But we decided this at the last minute, and our apartment complex ran out of the little pumpkin stickers to affix to our doors to alert costumed folks that we were participating. The office manager told us to "go ahead and make a sign saying that you have candy."

THIS is what my husband made:


I want you to please go look at that picture again, but add "and dungeons to keep you in..." because that's what he might as well have printed.

Like, that sign is super fucking scary, right?

Guess how many trick-or-treaters we got.


Zero. Nada. None. Zed.

Which is probably good, because my husband had picked that month to try to grow facial hair, so he looked like this:


Why, yes, he does look like a pedophile.

Or like an adult man who can't grow a mustache and glued spare pubes on his upper lip.

Regardless, everything about the way my husband looked and what he put on our door was just wrong, wrong, wrong, and we got weird looks from our neighbors for... well, a whole year now. So, this Halloween, I wanted to make sure that we fit in, and I spent months perusing couples costumes to prepare us.

These were my top picks:

1) A Pair of Boobs


I don't know about you, but I don't want to go the whole cliché route and be a slutty police woman or postal worker. I know Chris would be too tempted to feel me up all night. After all, I have a glorious rack. So I figured he can go as his OWN titty. I mean, look at this dude. He knows where his hand belongs, and the woman doesn't have to worry about being groped in front of the children, who obviously need the sheltering this costume would provide.

2) Pube-Infested Genitalia


I considered this, but then I ruled it out for obvious reasons. I want to get away from the pubic hair look, which was the whole problem with Chris's mustache last year.

Moving on...

3) Anything Where A Boy "Plugs In" To A Girl


Since we want to make sure everyone knows we are a normal couple, another stellar choice would be anything that clearly conveys "I want to stick it to her."

But some of these might be a bit too subtle, don't ya think?

4) Blood Unites Us


Since the last option didn't say "we're in this together" enough, I briefly considered this getup, because nothing says "I've got my girl's back" like dressing up like a box of feminine hygiene products.

5) The Winner


It took me a bit to find a clear choice, but when I saw this cute kitten and her litter mate, it so clearly reminded me of that time that I used psychology to train Chris to pick up the cat's poop so I didn't have to, and I knew this was it.

Only one problem with my plan: I sort of forgot about Halloween, until I was at PetCo, and I saw the pet costume rack, and then I was like, "Why would I dress up like a cat when I can dress up my cats?!?"

So, my girl kitty*, Khaleesi, ended up as a sailor:


And my boy kitty, Mycroft, was the mermaid Khaleesi pined for:



Sort of the best thing ever, right?

One more problem, though. My neighbors are still looking at us funny, and I can't get back my childhood, and I feel this odd guilt that maybe I've condemned my kitties to feline hell by making them take part in the Devil's Day.

*(I'd love to say that I purposely eschewed gender roles for my cats' couples costumes, but what actually happened is that Mycroft is a fat fuck who couldn't fit into his sailor shirt, so Khalessi got it. But, as a feminist, I'm proud that it worked out this way, and I'm just going to go ahead and take credit for it anyway.)


True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What scared you more: the sign or the mustache? What's the creepiest thing your partner has ever done? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.