I Wish Snow Zombies Would Eat Off My Face So I Could Skip My Health Psych Test

I Wish Snow Zombies Would Eat Off My Face So I Could Skip My Health Psych Test

I'm super duper pissed, for two reasons.

Reason #1: Not one single woodland creature has broken into my apartment to fold and put away my laundry, which is complete bullshit, because Disney promised me that's how adulting would work.

Reason #2: Forecasters guaranteed me a blizzard, but it's all sunny up in this bitch (and by bitch, I mean Atlanta.)

For real, y'all, when meteorologists across America recently predicted Snowpocalypse for us East Coast-eners, I was maniacally giddy at the thought of being dusted with even one inch of that Yankee cotton. Like, I might have peed and/or drooled enough to water all of our house plants.

I know what you're thinking:



When I moved south from my snow-covered Midwest boxy state, I learned that the terms "winter," "storm," "freezing," and "cool with black people" were relative and open to wide interpretation.

Rampant racism excluded, I found Georgia's reaction to anything mildly resembling chilly oddly endearing. I have literally seen folks don earmuffs and scarves for 60 degree weather. Not joking. And these people will tell you in a Confederate minute about how much worse winter is for them than the people who live in places that, you know, are actually affected by seasonal storms.

Evidence: my husband, Chris's, boss once ranted about Northerners who just don't understand how horrible it gets in Georgia in the winter. Shit you not, he was all, "We might not get the snow y'all get, but down here, we have this thing where the rain turns into a kind of freezing rain that ices up the roads."

“Wait…” Chris said, genuinely puzzled. “Are you… are you talking about sleet?”

Chris’s boss sat slack-jawed, before finally sputtering, “You mean, you have a word for that?”

Of course we have a fucking word for it, because it happens all. the. damn. time.

Over and over again, I've been lectured that it's the ice that makes winter so hard in Georgia. Um, when I lived back in the Midwest, I saw entire trees toppled by ice storms. But, okay, Bubba. We get it. You've got it bad.

But to my point: I'm pissed that I was promised a flurry and instead only got three flakes. You see, I have a health psych test tomorrow, and it's bluebook, and it's all about anatomy stuff that I don't care a rat's ass about, because I really just want to know how to get paid to listen to people's problems, because I do that now for free, and I'm broke, and I'd like to buy nice things, like bowties for my cats. But I digress. What I'm trying to say is that I need extra study hours, and the last time it snowed two inches in Atlanta, I didn't have to go to school for TWO FULL FUCKING WEEKS, because people lost their goddamned minds during 2014's Snowmageddon.

Upon seeing the first sign of snowflakes, all 7 million people in the metropolitan area immediately left their schools, work, grocery shopping, racist meetings, or whatever, and headed home.

At. The. Exact. Same. Time.

Want to know what 7 million people on the road at the same time looks like?? Well, it basically looks like the world is being invaded by zombies. I know, because THIS:


Top image? Interstate 75 during Snowmageddon. Bottom image? Interstate 75 during the zombie apocalypse as depicted in The Walking Dead.

Basically, our road signs read:


And it wasn't total hyperbole.

When we got those scant few inches two years ago, chaos descended. Police responded to nearly 1,500 accidents. The congestion was so bad that a woman actually delivered her baby on the Interstate. And don't think that public transportation solved anything. Somehow, during this storm (and I use that word in the loosest sense), the local subway system somehow caught on fucking fire, forcing passengers to slog through the snow or spend the night at Mernards or TGIF's or whatever the hell was closest. My cousin had the shit luck to pick that day to visit us from Missouri, and he got stuck 10 miles from our home... for 17 HOURS! People eventually abandoned all hope AND their cars, meaning that tow companies spent days clearing some 2,000-ish vehicles from the roads.

My favorite image from all of the shenanery, though, is this one:


Followed by this one:


Go back to that first image and check out the amount of snow on the ground. Yeah, that caused this driver to fishtail into a fire hydrant, breaking it and causing a small flood. Then a sinkhole opened up underneath the driver and swallowed his car. He's fine, though, so we can laugh.

So, THAT's what goes down when it snows in Atlanta, and I spent last Friday lusting like whoa for just a taste of that precious pandemonium. Because I really, really, really don't want to take my test tomorrow, y'all. I really, really don't.

The last time I rooted for snow this hard was THIS:


If you're cool, you'll know what's up in that pic. If you're not cool, well, I don't know what to tell you. I had to promise Voldemort my firstborn to get as fly as I am now. For real, y'all, I'm on fleek.

Now, off to study! Or to prep my cheat plan! Or to fake a doctor's excuse that explains that I can't come to class because a snow zombie ate off my face!


That last one.

It sounds good.


True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What has been your worst experience with snow? Or, what has been your worst experience while in the South? Also, you know that not ALL Southerners are racist, right? But a lot are. Just saying. Also, do any of y'all know how the hypothalamus affects the pituitary gland? Asking for a friend who has a test tomorrow... Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.