Today has been a cross between feeling this like this poor sucker of a kid:
And this woman's nether regions:
I've never tried to hide my creepy love for Bernie Sanders, as evidenced in this post about his orgasm-inducing powers and this post about my efforts to get my husband involved in some political role-playing.
So when all of the primary election results started rolling in last night, granting Hillary Clinton the Democratic nomination for President, I screamed, "I AM DONE WITH YOU, WORLD!," and went to bed, because I couldn't face the bad news.
I was all like:
And then, this morning, I emerged from my cocoon of comforters, and was like:
I guess I wanted to wake up today and see that this all was a mistake. That my main man had triumphed in ways previously thought impossible and that he was still in it to win it.
But, alas, we don't always get what we want. The non-spiked tea I'm drinking right now is proof of that. And it hurts when we see that others amongst us are getting what they deserve, which, unfortunately, is a candidate that looks like this:
That was a reference to the hellish hemorrhoid that is Donald Trump, btw. I think Hillary looks fine. I don't, however, think her incremental approach to and reluctance to embrace change is fine, though, so, no, I don't want to vote for her. I want to vote for Bernie. But I don't want my vote for Bernie to essentially be a vote for Trump.
Please don't yell at me, fellow Berners. We all know that if wishes and buts were candy and Pizza Huts, then our Bernie would have been in the White House 20 years ago, having thus saved us from the idiocracy in which we now live.
So, I've got some thinking to do.
In the meantime, I'm going to be busy doing this:
I'm going to be crying, okay?!? Sheeesh. You had to make me say it, didn't you? And while I'm crying, I'm going to use cats to wipe away those tears.
In other words, I'll be going through the typical stages of mourning, which, in my experience, involve:
1) Eating ice cream.
2) Or bacon.
3) I'm going to get love wherever I can.
4) I'm probably going to get me some... um... let's call it catnip:
5) And then I'm going to get online and angry-yell at everybody on social media who didn't vote for Bernie.
Those are the five stages of grief, right?
Oh, and unrelated to Stage #4, I'm probably going to munch some more:
And a little bit more after that, because, yeah, it's going to take a lot of nip to hush my metaphorical puppies:
And then, while I'm munching and mellowing, I'm probably going to watch a lot of cat gifs and try to work them into a blog post. And I'll probably do that until my husband, Chris, discovers me and is all like:
But he's not the boss of me, so I'm going to sneak back to share one last cat gif, just because:
Dammit! Chris caught me. Okay, y'all. I really have to go now. But just know that you aren't alone in your bereavement and bewilderment.
We've got some choices to make in the coming months, and if I can be serious for one second, I don't care what conclusion you reach about your candidate, as long as come November, it includes you doing this:
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. How much did Bernie turn you on? How much does Trump turn you off? Do you think there's a legit way to travel back in time and have Bernie be President 20 years ago? Why is Trump so damn popular? For real, though, y'all do know I'm excited at the history being made, in terms of having a female nominee, right? Because, can we just stop for a second and recognize that white women have been able to vote for 96 years and haven't had a candidate that represents them? Women of color couldn't really vote until 1964, and they still haven't had a candidate that looks like them? This is a big deal, folks. I can disagree with Clinton's policy positions and still appreciate the struggle. I just wish the first woman candidate had been someone else. Anyway, vote, okay? No matter what. Oh, and what are y'all's favorite cat gifs? Because, honestly, I could still use a few more. Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.