I Just Can't Even Right Now...

I Just Can't Even Right Now...

Okay. I didn't do any of those bad things on that cake, but now you can't be mad when I tell you that I'm not really posting today, because it's nowhere near as awful as yakking on your kittens.

Yesterday, I rushed myself to Urgent Care, absolutely certain my kidneys had exploded. Turns out, I'm suffering from just a run-of-the-mill-yet-still-super-uncomfortable medical issue that I don't have to discuss with you, per doctor-patient confidentiality rules (see also: none of your goddamn business.)

Immediately after my non-dramatic diagnosis, my husband, Chrisc blocked WedMD. Like, my Internet service no longer allows me access.

I think Chris did this because I woke him up at 6 a.m., sobbing: "My kidneys are failing! Do you know your blood type? Wait. Shit. How much did you drink last night? Can you even donate a kidney after that much Scotch? What do you mean it's the liver that matters? OH MY GOD! DO YOU THINK MY LIVER IS FAILING, TOO?!? WebMD just said it was probably my kidneys!"

So, here I am, high as a fucking kite if the kite dabbled in legally prescribed antibiotics and pain medications, and I can't look up one single side effect of these pills on a reliable site curated by physicians.

I had a nice post planned about how my mother offered to send me to adult fat camp on my birthday. But I'm too busy trying to hack my Internet for medical advice right now to actually write.

As a peace offering, I give you MY FAVORITE GIF OF ALL TIME.

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Hope you loved it! Even more, I hope you have a husband who isn't too much of a dick wagon when the day comes that you need a new kidney. Because I'm pretty sure it's coming. At least, that's the impression I'm getting from www.medicinenet.com. I'm pretty sure my kidneys are complete shit. Or, I have back cancer. That's a thing, right?

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True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What's the lamest excuse you've ever given for not keeping your promises? What's your worst hypochondriac moment? What's your favorite GIF? What's the weirdest thing you've seen written on a cake? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.