Reason #1,386,928 I deserve a medal and/or a cookie: I was at the grocery store yesterday, and the cashier asked me how my day had been thus far, and I did not respond with, "Welp, my sister just revealed she's contracted herpes from her ex-convict husband. I don't know who was more surprised: her or me. Just kidding. It was totally her."
Rather, I decided to go with the more sedate answer and said, "I'm as okay as I can be, considering I have a colonoscopy tomorrow. I'm just here to pick up adult diapers because I heard the pre-procedure medicines make you shit yourself. But I can't afford the vacation hours to take off the whole day just because I'm crapping my pants, so, here I am. How about you? How are you doing?"
Just kidding. I didn't say that, either, because I'm not fucking psychotic. Instead, I mumbled something like, "Today's just snazzy," and then paid and left the store without mentioning my sister's herpes or my incontinence, even though both of these situations were legit ongoing.
Anyway... while I was caught off guard that, at the tender age of 30, I needed a colonoscopy, I was significantly less shocked that my sister, Audrey, had contracted a vag virus. After all, she had recently learned that her drug-abusing second husband, Mr. Douche Canoe, was abandoning her for a female trucker who was twice his age and who sometimes left their love-making sessions because her grandchildren needed attention. Furthermore, she'd clearly been upset about something in their relationship, as she'd been posting inspirational relationship quote memes and tagging her ex in them.
So. Many. Memes.
For my readers in Alaska who have shitty Internet (thanks, Obama), what I just posted is a collage of the 122 inspirational quote memes Audrey posted in a 31-day-period.
It * literally * took me 90+ minutes to go through her Facebook feed and save each of these. Just be glad I did y'all the favor of not posting each one individually, lest the excessive scrolling caused crippled index fingers.
Now, I hate to piss on my own parade and tell y'all I know that the whole "people overuse memes" story line has been done to death. But my hypnotherapist recently told me to use my blog as catharsis, and I need some psychological purging after enduring that Facebook quote onslaught. So, I'll be kind, rewind, and share some of my favorites.
Here's the first one:
Translation: My partner and I are so passionate that we don't even need a reason to degrade and disrespect each other. We do it because we heart each other that much.
Here's the next one:
Translation: Hey, you pustulous canker blossom, I know you're cheating. Consider yourself warned, because you don't want me to skip passive-aggressive and advance to just aggressive. And aggressive it will be, as evidenced by this completely not-at-all racist image of a second-rate Tupac impersonator.
The next one is fun, because, irony...:
Translation: #TakeThat #Rekt #PotNotKettle
And then there was THIS one:
Now I'm going to post this next meme, but just because I post it doesn't mean that it's directed toward anyone. Maybe I just like Kermit! I am human!!
Now, I love my sister. Audrey is kind, big-hearted, optimistic, and forgiving. She's exactly the opposite of cynical and sees only the best in people. She loves fiercely, tries her guts out to do what's right, and wants everyone to have their own personal pocket unicorn. Also, she makes a killer blueberry crumble.
Unfortunately, her choices in mates have been lackluster. Her first husband was a full-grown, part-time pizza delivery boy, while the latter was an ex-convict. Like I said: optimistic and forgiving. And because she loves with a seriously stubborn loyalty, when things go sour, she hurts hard.
I, on the other hand, am a feminist and refuse to cry over spilled semen. I thank the good lord herself that I never degraded myself in such a manner for a man...
In other news, my husband, Chris, recently was searching for his painting kit to touch up his army of fantasy miniatures, and he stumbled upon my stash of diaries. He brought one of the tomes inside, and I randomly flipped open to an entry from when I was in my early 20s and had just discovered that my fiancé, Mr. AssHat, was banging the girl to whom he had been betrothed by his parents when he was 4 and still lived in Vietnam.
With loopy penmanship, I gushed:
"I want to convince Ass Hat that he needs and loves me. He would not have devoted almost three and a half years to me if he did not care about me or love me. While Ass Hat may say that he has absolutely no feelings for me, I know he still cares, and I think that caring is enough. We are going to meet in a month. By that time, I want to have lost 15 pounds and look amazing. I want him to remember why he loved me."
And then, I penned two inspirational quotes:
1) "If you were to, God forbid, be hit by a bus today, you would be the weight you are and the way you look. How much of a shame would it be if you left this planet planning to be someone you aren't?"
2) "Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option."
Anyway, what were talking about? Oh yeah, how everybody is prone to pathetic breakup feels, except for me.
It feels mighty good up here on my high horse.
Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop.
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What's your most titillating breakup ordeal? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.