I Am A Sexy Unicorn, And My Magic Sensuality Should Make You Super Jelly...

I Am A Sexy Unicorn, And My Magic Sensuality Should Make You Super Jelly...

I know a lot of y'all think I'm Super Woman.

But I'm no (s)hero. I put my stretched-out granny panties on one leg at a time, just like the rest of y'all.

Oh, who am I kidding? I sit at home and blog. I don't wear underwear.

And in case you're wondering, it was this last statement that convinced me I could do the thing that's kept me so distracted and distant this past week.

Tomorrow, a super fucking brilliant British sex blog, Girl On The Net, is supposedly publishing a guest post written by... ME!

Granted, I don't have hot sex. I wish I did. But I also wish that I lived in Unicorn Narnia and were the horned horses' queen. In case you're wondering, I'd make a glorious unicorn. I know this because I Googled, "What kind of unicorn would I be?" and the Internet gave me this:

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So, long story short, I have spent this week pretending that my patronus is a seriously sexy unicorn named Bubbles Fancy Feet, and in this fit of sensual confidence, I wrote an incredibly personal piece about how Chris (or Sugar Fluffy Tutu) and I get down and dirty.

And dirty it is.

Some of y'all might not know this, but I have a big ol' tumor on my thyroid, and it was horrid for a bit. Because I didn't want to die, I agreed to take awful medicine that made me spontaneously defecate myself and gain 130ish pounds.

So, yeah, this guest post is about how to have sex when you're fat and you're prone to shitting the bed while doing the deed, and while I'd much rather never have had to reveal that personal information, if it makes even one of you feel better about your life, I guess it's worth it.

(Not.)

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True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What's been your crappiest sexual experience. And yes, the pun was TOTALLY intended right there. Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.