Holy balls, y'all! Today's theOMGspot's four week anniversary!
We've discussed such numerous social justice issues as herpes, Bernie Sanders, diarrhea, and mold growing in fat folds. And we've yet to cover such insightful topics as my grandmother's infidelity, my sister's jail stint, my pants-shitting disorder, and the time a group of mediums/psychics flooded me with messages from my recently deceased cat, Booger.
I've learned loads from my six readers, and I feel it'd be a shame to keep all the skills I've acquired this month to myself. So, as a goodwill gesture for those who want to follow in my wildly successful footsteps (see above: six readers), I've gathered my most essential blogging tips.
MY UNIQUE LIST OF BLOGGING TIPS YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER SEEN BEFORE:
1) Tri to spell good. Grammer and punctuwayshun are important.
2) Use an unholy amount of adjectives. If you can't think of a glitzy one, go with "very." After all, it's the very best. That's why you can use it so very much.
3) The best thing about blogs is that you can write really, really long sentences because people are here to read all about what you think, so you can type as much as you want, and they'll be interested, and you don't have to worry about making sure that you pace yourself, because blogs are all about being informal anyway, so it's sort of a win-win-win, if you're into that sort of thing.
4) Use lots of exclamation marks! It gets people excited! And it conveys that we're having fun!
5) Mask any literary shortcomings with pictures and memes. They don't even have to relate to your subject matter. As long as you present a flashy image, we're on board the blog train.
6) Write amazing headlines. Once you've lured your readers with a click-bait title, they're already here. That counts as a page view. Don't worry about how long they stay. Plan to spend about 10 percent of your time writing your post compared to about 90 percent of your time crafting a killer headline.
7) Just be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. So is this quote. Oscar Wilde said it. But part of being yourself can be taking original stuff and making it your own.
8) This one almost goes without saying, but chill out about content. It's no big thing. Blog for your readers rather than yourself. This requires ninja-level mind-reading skills, but with SEO and other tech magic, you've got this. Want to write about that time your cat got his whiskers stuck in the Jell-O mold you made for the first Thanksgiving you hosted for your in-laws? Tough shit. Readers are more likely to search for terms like, "Kardashian," "makeup tips," and "10 Ways to Get Over my Ex." So, work that in, instead.
9) Market the hell out of your blog. I personally recommend Twitter. EVERY DAY, you should link to at least 90% of all the posts you've written ever. Ignore retweeting other authors. They're not your concern. Promote YOU. Don't bother writing original tweets like, "I ate bread today," either. If it doesn't have a link to a post you wrote three weeks ago, you're wasting your followers' time.
10) Absolutely consider yourself a blogging expert after four weeks. You owe it to all other would-be Internet scribes to compile a list of super helpful blogging tips about the things you've learned in your first month. I'm sure nobody else has learned the same lessons as you.
11) * Bonus tip *: Bookmark this post for future reference, in case you need to consult my handy help bombs. Or, follow me on Twitter. I'll share this every. single. day.
Seriously, thanks to all who have made my foray into the Interwebs a successful venture. I've enjoyed it, and even better, my hypnotherapist says it's good for my soul.
And just in case you're wondering, these are my favorite posts from these past four weeks:
1) The Time My Ex-Fiance Contacted Me Using a FAKE Name and Threatened to Eat My Cats
2) The Time My Mom Offered to Send Me to Fat Camp for My Birthday
3) The Time I Broke Vaginas by Mashing Bernie Sanders With Game of Thrones' Jon Snow
4) The Time We Considered Making Our Dead Cat Into Bullets
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What writing tips do you absolutely HATE because they are SO FUCKING OBVIOUS? What writing tips do you really feel benefit would-be scribes? Did you think I'd make it four weeks? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.