Things You Should Know About This Baller Blog:

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1) Although the title suggests otherwise, this is not a sex blog. I don't get laid enough to give you tips. Besides, my coitus is more like aggressive cuddling, and I've been informed that nobody else besides me is into that, so I'll spare you the details.

2) Instead, this is where I talk about all things OMG. Like, that time my sister tried to kill her (second ex) husband. Or when my aunt tied a dead cat around our dog's neck. And let's not forget that time I learned that my husband pisses on kittens. My people are bananas, y'all, which is why...

3) I can only disclose the dirty deets if I change names to protect the (not even remotely) innocent. So, I won't be revealing the identities of my homicidal sister, nearly-necrophiliac aunt, or oddly-aroused life-partner. They get fun fake names, like Ginger or Muriel or Chris. Actually, that last name's the real deal. My husband is Chris. I am Bekah. But those are all the names that are real. If you don't like that, you can just eat a big ol' bag of dicks.

4) My favorite word is the c-word: CATS. My fur babies are what make the world go round. I'm so into cats that the image at the top of this post is the card my husband gave me for our fifth wedding anniversary. We're exactly that cool.

5) Now, for serious for a second. Sometimes this blog will be silly. Because my life is one big, floppy shoe short of a ride in a clown car. Other times it will be sad. Because my life is based on a true story, and in real life, people die and lie and betray and dismay. So, just like you, I don't know what we'll find on this page from one day to the next. Let's all be surprised together, shall we?

6) That should be about it. Unless you want pictures of my cats, Mycroft and Khaleesi, dressed in their couples costumes for Halloween? Oh, you do? Well, then, let me oblige. I give you Khaleesi, the sassy sailor, and Mycroft, her mesmerizing mermaid:

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7) And that's it. My work here really is done-zo!