I just wanted to do my fucking job.
And my job required that I sit on this damn passenger bus for several hours to get to some big work thing.
So there I was. Me and two guys. And those two guys' assistants.
They were pleasant enough, in that they didn't openly pick their noses or grab my ass. Still, something about the larger of the two dudes made me feel... well, pure revulsion. But we had to be on this bus together for HOURS, so I figured I needed to at least be polite.
The big dude came right up to me and introduced himself in a booming Southern drawl. He called me "little lady," and I had to resist rubbing my hands on my slacks after shaking his clammy, greasy hand.
No, literally, his hand was greasy. Because he was eating fried chicken. Which quickly became a point of contention.
This guy wanted me to share his fried chicken with him and his friend. They were both in suits and red ties, and they were going at that poor, dead bird. I declined, but they wouldn't take no for an answer. I declined and declined and declined, but eventually, I realized that this hours-long bus ride would just be easier if I ate the goddamned fowl.
So, there I was, eating a drumstick, when the big dude was all like, "Now, have you accepted Jesus in your heart?" I deferred. But he asked again, "You know that nothing in life is more important than our Lord and Savior?" I nodded. I figured that would be easiest.
I'm not going to bore you with the details of the rest of the conversation, but for your sake, I'm going to paraphrase: "Gay people are gross, and I don't like liberals. Jesus is what government should be about. Oh, and guns. Lots and lots of guns. Guns everywhere. And I sure don't like them immigrants. But you know what I don't like more than immigrants? Women who get abortions. Those babies sure are precious."
The chicken settled in my stomach like a rock, and I mutely listened to his ramblings.
Well, actually, I did more than listen. I took notes and recorded them. Because I was a journalist. And the creep on the bus was a presidential candidate. And my job was to observe him as he toured Iowa to gain votes for the 2008 caucus.
Eventually our bus reached the campaign event, and Mike Huckabee stepped off that bus with chicken grease on his fingers, a grin on his face, and his creepy opinions in check. And the crowds roared.
(For more stories of creepy guys invading we lovely folks' lives, check out my dear friend, Gina's, hilarious blog, Endearingly Wacko).
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What's the creepiest interaction you've ever had with some stranger? Who do you think is the world's creepiest politician? Better question: What's the creepiest thing YOU'VE ever done to some poor stranger? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.