Whenever my husband needs proof that I love him more than hipsters love the Hamilton musical*, I remind him of our engagement story.
We took a lovely stroll through a historic city at sunset, looked lovingly at each other over candle light at a fancy restaurant, and then went home to enjoy some, ahem, romantic adult activities. And then, Chris left.
No ring. No proposal. Nothing. All flash, no bang. Well, I mean, there was some bang(ing), but you get my drift.
The next night, I was sitting on the sofa in my ratty PJs, slurping leftover spaghetti, and watching Battlestar Galactica, when my husband plopped on the couch, waited for a commercial, and was like, "Will you grow old with me?"
My man proposed to me during an episode of Battlestar Galactica. The episode where you discover Sharon is a Cylon. Oh. I guess I should've said, "Spoiler alert." But whatever. The show's, like, a decade old, y'all. I can't be responsible for your lack of cultural interactivity.
Anyway, I obviously said yes, because, well, we're married and all.
Now, I bored you with this anecdote not to torture you, but rather to underscore two important points:
1) I love Chris so much that I said yes to a proposal framed with a backdrop of an intergalactic robot war drama. Now that is true love, y'all.
2) As much as I complain about this non-romantic proposal (and I do), I sort of actually love it, because I fracking love all that sci-fi shit. I do. Because, apparently, I'm a gigantic nerd, which leads me to my (unplanned) third point.
3) I am nerd enough that I accepted (nay, adored) a BattleStar Galactica marriage proposal, which means I'm nerd enough to have intensely strong opinions on other sci-fi arenas, such as the entire Stargate anthology and the Game Of Thrones page-to-screen treatment. If you'll forgive the expiation, this leads me to my (absolutely unplanned but sort of the whole point of my points) fourth point.
4) Stargate is way better than your stupid Game of Thrones.
Don't misunderstand me. Game of Thrones is good, if not actually great. Second, I read the books forever ago, and they are why words exist. Third, I enjoy the show like whoa, because, seriously, who the fuck doesn't? Titties? Child-eating dragons? Incest? What's NOT to love?
That being said, that shit ain't nothing compared to the vastly superior Stargate series. And let me tell you the reasons why.
1) Characters, you know, stay alive.
Sure, Jon Snow may rise from the dead (oops, spoilers again), and Lady Catelyn Stark apparently used magic to survive a throat-slitting (it's in the books, y'all, so it's your own fault if this is a spoiler), but a whole host of Game of Thrones heroes are deceased. Need I remind you of the Red Wedding?
Yeah. That sucked.
Stargate characters (with the exception of one) don't die. They're there for the long haul. And it's a really, really, really long haul, y'all, as evidenced by my next point.
2) So. Many. Episodes.
You've got your basic SG-1, which provided a staggering 214 episodes. Then you've got your Stargate Atlantis. That's another 100 hours of good TV. Then, if you're really into this world, you've got SGU (a.k.a. Stargate Universe), which is, like, 40-ish episodes?
So, you know, you're looking at a few solid years of stellar (pun intended) entertainment.
3) Wraith & Goa'uld > lame ass dragons.
Yes, Khaleesi's dragons can breathe fire, and yes, it's cute.
You know what isn't cute?
A fish-faced human-eating alien that can suck all the life out of you via a fucking hole in their hand.
That's some scary shit.
Here's a picture, so you know just how scary it is:
Oh, and if you're not worried about those creatures, then check out the Goa'uld, which are a creepy alien worm race that FUCKING CUTS OPEN YOUR STOMACH AND THEN LIVES IN IT WHILE CONTROLLING YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN!!!!
Another picture for effect:
4) No book snobs to harsh your viewing vibe.
You know how a lot of people actually read the Game of Thrones books? And you know how they relished spoiling the plot twists for you?
Yeah, well, there are no Stargate books, so you don't have to worry about those twats.
(P.S. I'm one of those aforementioned twats. I totally ruined the Red Wedding for my husband, because, well, he proposed to me during a Battlestar Galactica episode, so now we're even.)
5) SO MUCH MORE JASON MOMOA!!!!
Ladies, you may recognize this man as the sex god of your dreams. Gentlemen, you may remember him as the muscle mound that made you feel all sorts of inadequate.
Regardless, Khal Drogo is memorable. I mean, look at him!!!
There's A LOT more where that came from.
While Momoa was around for, what, 5 episodes, if that, on Game of Thrones, he got mega screen time as the rough and lovable Ronan Dex on Stargate Atlantis, one of the show's main characters.
Y'ALL!!! That's, like, HOURS AND HOURS of Jason Momoa and his luscious hair and body.
Be still, my... you know what, we're not going to talk about the parts of me all twitterpated by this picture, okay?
6) Stargate is set in the past, too, but this past is real.
Whereas Game of Thrones takes place in some fictional day of ol, Stargate happens in the 90s and early 00s, which, as we all know, is NOT fictional.
Oh, and if you count the time travel episode, then Stargate also happened in the 1960s, which, again, is a very real time and place and produces pictures like these...
which are infinitely better than period costumes like these...
Yeah, that dude's basically just wearing a potato sack, y'all. I could have designed it.
7) My show is funnier than yours.
You may already be protesting, "But Tyrion's funny!!!" And he is! What's not to laugh about when a drunken dwarf shoots his dad while he's on the shitter?! (Oh, that reminds me, happy father's day, y'all!)
But Stargate is funnier. Way funnier.
Here's a snippet of dialogue from SG-1:
Dr. Jackson: This tastes like chicken.
Capt. Carter: So what's wrong with it?
Dr. Jackson: It's macaroni and cheese.
Yeah. Name me one thing that's more humorous on Game of Thrones? Yeah. You can't.
8) The gods on Stargate are real, while the gods on Game of Thrones kill little girls.
The seven gods, the old gods, the many-faced gods, or the red god -- who gives a shit? They're fake. They're figments of unfortunate characters' imaginations. Or, at least, they seem to be thus far.
Know who is real on Stargate?
Know something else? Not only is Thor real, but he's also a goddamned alien, y'all.
Here's his picture:
(P.S. Not the dude in the front. The little gray dude in the back, okay?)
9) More Jason Momoa.
I know I already mentioned this perk, but dayyyyyyuuuuuum, y'all, it bears repeating, because LOOK AT THIS:
10) Now, this is the important one: Nobody is fighting over what has to be one hell of an uncomfortable chair.
While the people of Westeros have their collective panties in a twist about the world's most unattractive chair, the individuals of the Stargate realm are fighting to protect the entire universe. THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE, y'all.
Makes that chair seem real petty now, doesn't it?
Okay. Welp. That's it. I think I've made my case. Now, stop watching HBO right now, and go to your local Blockbuster and get the VHS tapes of SG-1. You won't regret it.
** Seriously, though, who doesn't love the Hamilton musical? If I had to choose between plumb seats to Lin-Manuel Miranda's play or a lifetime with my husband, well... shit, y'all. I guess I don't love my husband more than hipsters love Hamilton.
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What sci-fi series set your nether regions aflame? Would you rather watch aliens or dragons? Who would you rather bang: Khal Drogo or Ronan Dex? Trick question. The answer is both. Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.