Did one of y'all drop a roofie in my Dasani?
I am honestly asking, because I'm convinced drugs are the only explanation for the Presidential contest thus far.
If I'm not under the influence of hallucinogenics, then some Frankenscientist is testing out some super scary shit on our country's Conservatives. I've never seen so many clowns in one place, and I was raised a carnie. (Confession: That's a lie. I grew up on a farm. Next to a hog confinement. So, maybe I should say I've never seen so many pigs in one place. Yeah, let's go with that.)
For real, y'all. Donald Trump running for president is like Joffrey Lannister running for Miss Congeniality. Carly Fiorina claiming to be a woman's advocate is like Jack the Ripper claiming to support safer working environments for ladies of the night. Jeb Bush saying that he is an average American is like Kermit the Frog saying that he is a vegetarian. You know Bush didn't grow up poor, just like you know our verdant friend doesn't mind a mouthful of juicy pork (#muppetsexjoke). And speaking of green, any of those candidates pretending that they aren't high on something right now is like me pretending I'm a sober Lindsay Lohan.
I don't mean to throw shade at my girl Lindsay. She's swell enough, if you're into train wrecks. Instead, I mention her because she recently announced her intention to be President Lindsay Dee Lohan in 2020.
Here's an actual news article about this shit: Actual news article about this shit.
She's the latest celebrity to promise future candidacy. Just a few weeks before, Kanye West declared that he would run America with Kim Kardashian at his side as First Lady of What-The-Hell-Happened-To-Our-Once-Great-Nation. ( Again: actual news article about this shit. )
In fairness, Ms. Lohan does have experience negotiating tense relations between hostile parties. Just look at how she brought her parents together in The Parent Trap. And she's proven she knows how to wrangle petulant cliques. Go ahead and tell me Mean Girls couldn't easily be set in Congress instead of high school. All in all, I think Ms. Lohan has a decent shot if she keeps her campaign promise to make fetch happen.
One snag: In 2020, Would-Be-Free-World-Leader Lohan will only be 34, which makes her unqualified for a job with only three requirements. (You must be 35 to call the Oval Office home.)
So, Ms. Lohan's age is getting in her way, and Mr. West is just a twat waffle, so I'm sorry to say that we have no real shiny contenders to snazz up November 2020. This just won't do, my little green beans. I need some name recognition when I step into the ballot box, and Governor John/Jane Doe of Some Little Rural State just won't do.
I want REAL celebrities with REAL Presidential skill sets. And if I can't get celebrities, then inanimate objects will work just fine, because we all know that a stained garage sale table would be a better option than Trump.
Anyway, because they need to start their 2020 campaign right fucking now, I have compiled a list of potential candidates (in no particular order) to contact and discern their interest in winning my vote:
1) Garrison Keillor
This public radio god is golden on two fronts. First, he would obviously bring back FDR's fireside chats, and second, he'd for sure support the arts.
I'll bet you $10 she could make Putin melt with a mind-blowingly-poignant question or two. Crimea? More like Cry-me-a-river, amirite?!
And just imagine the stump speech: "You get entitlements! And YOU get entitlements! EVERYBODY! GETS! ENTITLEMENTS!"
3) Kevin Spacey
No brainer, here.
He's already the most badass President in America's faux history, and he'd literally throw the bad guys under the bus (or in front of the subway) to get shit done.
4) Tina Fey
Reason 1 this is a brilliant idea: Her Vice President would totes be Amy Poehler.
Reason 2 this is a brilliant idea: Despite her stellar SNL performances, Tina is not actually Sarah Palin, and anybody who isn't Sarah Palin has to be at least a little qualified for the job (Notable exception: Bristol Palin).
5) Jon Stewart
This is sort of the male version of Tina Fey, in that 1) he'd obviously pick Stephen Colbert as his running mate, and 2) he's got a killer Lindsay Graham impression, but he's so much better than Lindsay Graham based on the sheer fact that he's not Lindsay Graham.
6) Anne of Green Gables
I can't envision a better woman to be the first female in the White House. She's got that whole rags-to-emotional-riches story that voters love, and she's smart as hell. Remember, she's the winner of the Avery Scholarship! That's practically the same as being a Rhodes Scholar. Plus, if anybody could pull of being the pioneering First Husband, it's Dr. Gilbert Blythe.
I know this is a tough pitch, as she's both fictional and Canadian, but a fake foreigner HAS to be better than Mike Doesn't-Give-A-Fuck-About-The-Poor-Or-Women-Or Minorities-abee, right? (Yes, I know that was quite the punny reach re: Mr. Huckabee, but y'all know it's true. He's a dick, and I highly doubt he even knows what carrots are, let alone know how to make that word sexy like whoa.)
7) Laverne Cox
On a completely serious note, I'd like to see some progress on acceptance and equality for transgender folks.
Also, she's probably got some ideas about prison reform after her stint on Orange Is The New Black, and if she can make an orange jumpsuit look good, imagine what she could do for the Oval Office.
8) Mr. Rogers
This just feels right to me.
The guy was a master puppeteer/educator, so I think that with some dolls and some dumbed-down policy dialogue he stands a real shot at getting some of our legislators to finally such not-actually-complex issues as "a woman should have the right to choose" and "climate change is real." Also, this dude's got all sorts of experience in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, which is where our Congress obviously resides.
I know our dear Fred is dead, but some of the current candidates don't seem to have a working heart (I'm looking at YOU, Dr. Ben "School-Shooting-Victims-LET-Themselves-Be-Killed" Carson), so I think President Rogers stands a fighting chance.
9) Malala Yousafzai
I said earlier that I could envision no better first female President than Anne of Green Gables.
Welp, I was wrong.
This Pakistani advocate and death-defying badass is a modern day prophet, and if anybody deserves to be leader of the free world, it's this teenager.
Yeah, I know she's not old enough, and sure, she's not American, but our nation doesn't even come close to deserving Malala, and if she says she's willing to take the job, we should fall on our knees in gratitude and gladly accept her credentials of being the youngest ever Nobel Prize winner.
Seriously, I want this more than I want cheese, and that's saying something.
10) Neil deGrasse Tyson
This dude is handsome, humorous, and his goddamn actual job title at the Hayden Planetarium is "popularizer of science."
I was wavering between filling my last slot with either Dr. Tyson or Martin Sheen (who played my wettest dream President in The West Wing), and then I fortuitously ran across a video of the astrophysicist/cosmologist on my Facebook feed where he was basically asked what he'd do if he were President, and he spun sentence gold with this answer:
"I don't care to lead. I care to inform. What I want as an educator and as a scientist, but especially as an educator, (is) to educate people so they can make as informed of a decision as they can about who they elect to be their president. If I were to say I had a mission in life, it is to inform an electorate... I will say, by the way, that innovations in science and technology are the engines of the 21st Century economy. My great disappointment with the election cycle as it is unfolding is that I don't see anybody talking about science or technology. I don't see it. They talk about jobs. They talk about sex, or the absence of it. There are these topics that I guess are hot button emotional issues, but at the end of the day, what is it that we really want? I think we want health, wealth, and security. And so I feel like I failed as an educator and a scientist that this is going on in the absence of that discussion. Where's the debate on science?"
So, in summary: He's humble, he's smart, he's focused on real issues rather than headline porn, and he'd be wicked strong when it came to making environmental and educational policies.
Oh, and he'd probably have Bill Nye as his running mate. I want to go to there, puhleeeeaze?
And that's that.
Oh, and obviously, the list is missing one key dude: Bernie Sanders. I figured that went without saying. I want him to win over EVERYBODY. Duh.
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. Which candidate makes you want to jump off a bridge? Who would you like to see on the ticket? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.