25 Tips For Beginning Your Recovery From Depression

The news appears dark today, and I am sure it will grow darker still before the dust settles. Unfortunately, while I write this morning about a particular tragedy, the words will likely be relevant tomorrow, the day after that, and many more days after that. We live in a world where evil prowls with impunity. We occupy places where justice does not prevail. We try to thrive in environments where equality does not exist. And no matter your personal level of privilege (or lack thereof), pushing aside this curtain of endless calamities is burdensome, at best. But to find hope

My Husband Pees On Kittens...

So, the other night, I'm sitting in the living room, minding my own sticky beeswax, when my husband, Chris, walk into the room and initiates this exchange: Chris: So, can we talk about how I just accidentally peed on the kitten? Me: Again? See, this is the deal. Chris and I did some kitten-sitting during the long holiday weekend. We got to spend several days loving on this little rascal (who actually is named Rascal): That little feline is so adorable that he literally has a heart on it's arse. (No, really, did you see that little white furry heart

Apparently, Colostomy Bags Do Not Double As Sex Toys...

My husband, Chris, and I are no strangers to kinky sex. After all, we've done the missionary position, and we've done that bit where I'm on top, and (I'm blushing even thinking about typing this next thing...) one time, I let him touch my boobies when we were doing it. We're crazy, y'all. So, you can imagine our absolute shock when we discovered that there are sexual options beyond the aforementioned marvels (missionary, girl-on-top, booby touching.) Truly, are there no limits to the wonders in this world? Apparently not, because it also turns out that if your colon starts being

This Blog Had a Good Run, But Now It's Time To Say Our Goodbyes, Because I'm Headed To Jail...

I wanted to use the few seconds of freedom I have remaining to tell you how much I've appreciated your support and kindness as I attempted to create a blog that would make you smile, make you think, or make you just a little less bored while you were on the toilet with access to only your phone. Indeed, the time has come for me to bid you a fond, fond, fond farewell. So, with a heavy heart, I am saying goodbye. This will ostensibly be my last post, as I am certain the police will arrive momentarily to take

There Are Moments That The Words Don't Reach (And, Yes, I Stole That From The Hamilton Musical, Which You HAVE To Listen To, Because It's BADASS!!)

My husband went to bed hours ago, and I can hear him snoring as I type. I should be in there with him, his bear arms wrapped around me, me playing the (not-so-)little spoon to his big(ger) spoon. But the clock struck midnight hours ago, and I am waiting for the dread to descend. Fourteen years ago, on this day, my eldest sister, Dawn, died. She choked on her own vomit at a house party where she was working as a prostitute. Some cocktail of alcohol and drugs left her unconscious, and when her client noticed that she

10 Reasons the Stargate Series is Better Than Your Stupid Game of Thrones

Whenever my husband needs proof that I love him more than hipsters love the Hamilton musical*, I remind him of our engagement story. We took a lovely stroll through a historic city at sunset, looked lovingly at each other over candle light at a fancy restaurant, and then went home to enjoy some, ahem, romantic adult activities. And then, Chris left. No ring. No proposal. Nothing. All flash, no bang. Well, I mean, there was some bang(ing), but you get my drift. The next night, I was sitting on the sofa in my ratty PJs, slurping leftover spaghetti, and

Let's Pretend This Is A Catchy Title You Can't Resist. But Not A ClickBait Title. We Hates Them, Don't We, Precious?

I just wanted to do my fucking job. And my job required that I sit on this damn passenger bus for several hours to get to some big work thing. So there I was. Me and two guys. And those two guys' assistants. They were pleasant enough, in that they didn't openly pick their noses or grab my ass. Still, something about the larger of the two dudes made me feel... well, pure revulsion. But we had to be on this bus together for HOURS, so I figured I needed to at least be polite. The big dude came right

Welp, I Don't Need My Purrnie Sanders Mug Anymore, And That Is Making All The Cats Weepy...

Today has been a cross between feeling this like this poor sucker of a kid: And this woman's crotch: I've never tried to hide my creepy love for Bernie Sanders, as evidenced in this post about his orgasm-inducing powers, this post about his vibrating namesake, and this post about my efforts to get my husband involved in some political role-playing. So when all of the primary election results started rolling in last night, I said, "Fuck it," and went to bed, because I couldn't face the bad news. I was all like: And then, this morning, I emerged from my

Brock Turner Is A Hairy Sphincter Pimple, And If The World Were Just, He'd Rot In The Dumpster Behind Which He Raped His Victim

The pictured zit above is the most true-to-life image I could find of rapist Brock Turner. And unless you've been living under a rock (is that an option? are there these huge rock mansions available for those wanting to opt out of reality? because people would pay big bucks for that...), then you know that this douche bag sexually assaulted an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, and instead of getting the minimum sentence of three years jail time as punishment, this festering pile of moldy pig excrement was only sentenced to six goddamned months behind bars. I'll repeat this, because

Some Stranger in India Thinks I'm Sexy, And I'm Alarmingly Okay With That

Facebook cock-blocked me. Except that cock-blocking usually refers to one dude preventing another dude from tapping ass... And I'm a chick... And I am pretty certain Facebook identifies as gender queer... And I wasn't trying to tap any one's ass... Okay, so this situation in no way actually meets any of the cock-blocking requirements, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a shitty thing for Facebook to do. Oh? You want to know exactly what Facebook did? Huh. Guess I should get to that, shouldn't I? Long story short(ish), it kept me from receiving the following message: "Hey, i'm from